I think my Fridays are cursed.
Give me broken, give me hurt
I will love you
Give me lied to,give me used
I will love you
Give me lost, give me abandoned
I will love you
Give me scared, give me worried
I will love you
Give me outcasted, give me misunderstood
I will love you
Give me weak, give me tired
I will love you
Give me a tattered heart and all your scars
I will love you
Give me all the things you hate and all the things you hide. Give me your stories. Give me your love. Give me all of you. I will love you.
(Source: jws-ftw)
I will always love the broken, misguided, misinterpreted, damaged and sad people more than the others. Because there is something about them I can not quite explain. Maybe it is the depth of their souls or their views they have gained from pain. The character they have, the stories they share. They are the most interesting of people. It is them that have experienced the lows of life. The dark that people run from, strive to separate from is the darkness these people dwell in and gain from. They are the most wonderful because they are not what is expected but something more. They are full of life, just not the way people think and I like that.
People think solitude is quiet. That you find peace without everyday chatter. But really it brings you the opposite. Solitude brings the noise of the entire world. Suddenly you’re aware of the person at the back of your seat on the bus typing furiously on their phone and you wonder if they’re having a bad day. You notice the small smiles that disappear on people after everyone looks away or the emptiness in their eyes that seem so evident now. And you wonder if they’ve always been this way. You notice when the loud person gives a meek “I’m just tired” excuse for their red eyes and you wonder if that’s really the reason. You begin to notice the little things that passed you by before because you were too busy in your own conversation or company of others. Solitude only makes you acutely aware of everything.
In the end, we’re all the same. Just bones and organs and a struggle to make something out of life. All of us. So maybe instead of making another humans life a misery, we should be kinder. I don’t mean befriend them and love them. But bring no harm. We’ve all felt pain. The littlest kind and the worst kind that sinks into your heart and leaves scars. Without bitter pain we would not cherish our soaring highs. If another hurts you, let it be. They’ve taught you something haven’t they ? Intentional harm on another is a reflection of our inner self more than anything after all.
I didn’t stop loving him. I will always love him. He will forever be the person who was my first love. That can not be changed or replaced. I gave him pieces of me that I can’t get back. But I’m not in love with him anymore. I fell out of love a long time ago.
It wasn’t easy, I went through hell. Somewhere through that time I realized that I was more in love with the memories than I was with him. He wasn’t the person I held dearly in my memories. The boy that I had loved was nothing more but the fragments of memories I grasped onto. Over time, memories started to blur. They started to become a haze. The details faded away and with that so did the pain. I learnt to live with the reality of things day by day. I realized I could be okay.
Somewhere along the track it no longer pained me to wear his clothes. They become another item in my closet I left for cold days. Our pictures were left in a box collecting dust on my bookshelf. It no longer passed my mind that the things I carried matched him. Nothing bothered me anymore. Him and his memories didn’t pass through my mind anymore. The gifts, the letters, the pictures - all became just things that were there because they always had been. All sentimental feeling had gone. I guess that’s when I knew I was over him. When I could see pieces of him everyday and not feel a tinge of sadness.
Him and that phase of my life taught me a lesson - I could survive. I could survive without him, love and that my heart would never break the same way it did the first time. Still I am unsure whether what I learnt is a blessing or a curse. Much like the quote “Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.” I don’t know if I will ever feel as whole hearted as I did then. I don’t know if I can.
(Source: larmoyante)
What amazes me still is that people think that another persons life is there for them to critique and judge. What another person does, think, says, as long as it doesn’t harm you, is nobody else’s business but their own. What’s the big deal anyway ? Why are people so focused on somebody else’s life. You have a life all of your own to shape as you wish. Do what you want with your life. And if another person chooses to do different with theirs then what of it ? They don’t breathe and walk on this earth to answer to you. You have opinions ? That’s fine. But as a person you have no right to think you have any power to impose your opinions on a person. There is no need for you to voice your opinions for the sole reason to cause harm to someone. A person doesn’t have to live up to anybody else’s exceptions but their own. It doesn’t matter if you do or don’t do the same things another persons does. You are not any better than them or any worse. Live your own life and shut the fuck up others.
So he bought me a jumper and it’s so comfy and warm and ahhhh I just want to sleep in it but no I wore it to school so I wasn’t allowed to sleep >:( He’s so cute and corny though because the jumper has a Q and a heart next to it for Queen of Hearts and he’s like “Get it ? Because I call you my queen.” EHEHEHE okay I’m done ❤
I like stealing quick glances at you while you’re driving. Sometimes you’re so concentrated and sometimes you’re lost in your music. I like looking at you like that. When you’re not aware of my eyes following your moves. Just you naturally. It’s nice. I like tracing your jaw line with my eyes too. You’re actually really memorizing in your own small little details. I miss how you hold my hand randomly while you’re driving or go to quickly kiss me while the lights still red. I miss the small things and well really I just miss you immensely.
Why am I not allowed to spend all my time surrounded by books and paper and thoughts.
I am allowed to hurt. I’ll promise I’ll be better. But for tonight, I’ll drown in this feeling. By morning the sun will warm my skin and in hope my heart too.
The loneliness fills the air and leaves it cold. I hate the memories that run through my mind and the worries that consume me till there’s nothing left of me. How do you believe in anything when everything before has told you different. Am I only setting myself up to fall down again ? I hate the constant thinking that never leaves me a moment of peace and the screams stuck at the back of my throat. Why won’t they go away. I’m trying my best. But is my best even good enough ?
